a placeless world

Presuming you've chosen a good partner -- one who honors you and values your intelligence, your wit and your beauty -- you're going to love marriage. It's the best thing I ever did, by far.

It's also the hardest.

I wish I could give you some real advice on the subject, but I'm hardly an expert. This is what I know. For better or for worse.

Know this: If you don't harbor some "what ifs" during the first year (and the rest, for that matter) you're not being honest with yourself. Single people will still seem to enjoy so much more freedom. Beautiful people will still look beautiful. Romantic movies will still seem far more romantic than real life. Do not succumb to temptation but do not deny your doubts. Doubts do not negate the love you feel for your spouse nor the devotion you have for your marriage.

My mother once told me that every seven years, like clock work, she goes through a period of hating my father. The first time, believing divorce to be sinful, she became depressed at the notion that she would live the rest of her life in a loveless marriage. The second time, jealous of friends who'd won their freedom with a few legal papers and a name change, she contemplated leaving my dad. But the third time, she rejoiced, knowing that the period of hatred would ultimately end with a greater appreciation, understanding and love for her husband.

"Doctor" Laura Schlessinger may be the biggest hypocrite ever to pretend to understand the Hippocratic Oath, but she's got one thing right (though she wrongly attributes it to only one sex): Humans are simple creatures. They need appreciation, approval and affection. And having those things, they are generally happy beings capable of making their partners happy in return. It will not always be easy to give your spouse the 3-A treatment. There will be times that you do not feel appreciative, are not approving and do not feel affectionate whatsoever. Express appreciation when you can't express approval. Approval when you feel a lack of affection. Affection when your appreciation wanes.

Perhaps because my parents lived in the same place for most of my life, it did not occur to me that careers can really throw a wrench into otherwise well-working marriage machinery. I write these words from Salt Lake City, 830 miles away from my wife in Monmouth, Oregon. Tending to my career meant leaving my spouse for three months. The good news is that she has found a job in her field here in Utah and we will be together again soon. The bad news is that it is not always this easy. Compromise and creativity will help. So will having regular discussions about the future and its many possible paths.

Do not let those discussions upset you. The future is flexible, dynamic and entirely unpredictable. I know a woman whom -- after some considerable and often heated discussion with her partner -- finally agreed to have one child. They became pregnant with triplets. As my wife and I contemplated our future, we spoke of -- and sometimes argued about -- moving to Seattle, San Diego and San Francisco. We certainly never expected to be living among the Latter Day Saints in Zion, the great Mormon state of Deseret. You simply never know where life will lead you.

Contemplate your vows. Remember them when times are difficult. And times will be difficult. They are expected to be. Otherwise, we would not say: "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in heath."

May your marriage be blessed. May your love be strong and true.