a placeless world

Please.

Please.

Please don't tell me this man is the great progressive hope for this nation.

"I'm John Kerry and I'm reporting for duty."

Is he serious? Was that poorly executed salute his idea? And we all thought Al Gore was a stiff.

Forget about that, if you can. Forget about all of that. As a matter of fact, just go ahead and forget about everything.

No really. It's OK. That's what Kerry wants.

He's a war hero. No he's a peace maker. No he's a war hero.

Go ahead. Blame the big bad Republicans for painting Kerry as a flip-flopper. Then take a closer look at the picture.

Yup. It's a photograph. A nice, glossy 8-by-10.

And Kerry's got wallet-sized prints to share. Here's just a few from his speech.

• Let's only go to war "because we have to," he says -- less than a year after voting for a resolution that allowed the President of the United States to go to war whenever and wherever he wants to.

• Let's bring in more allies to share the burden in Iraq, he says -- less than a year after signing his name on a piece of paper that allowed President Bush to go it alone.

• Saying there is weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't make it so, he says -- less than a year after deciding that if President Bush said it was so, it was so.

But none of that should scare you. As any good Democrat will tell you (during this election cycle, at least) it's OK to grow wiser over time -- to change your heart and change your mind given further information (and the ever-changing tradewinds of public support.)

So don't be concerned that you have no idea of what John Kerry wants for Iraq. Worry about what John Kerry wants for America.

Still don't know Jack? Even after that inspiring convention speech?

That's OK. He's got to be better than Bush. Right?

Right?

Can I get an 'amen' America?

No?

Oh, that's right. Amens are reserved for Bush this election cycle.

So too, it seems, is charisma. And that should scare you most of all.

Because in the absence of direction, voters choose character. And in absence of character, they'll choose a character.

And thus far, Bush has the corner on that market.

Developments in Salt Lake City involving the disappearance of Lori Hacking have kept me too busy to post recently. Please accept this humble offering from my past...

It's cold.

Rainy.

And Bill Glassmire is struggling to light a candle. He crouches under the open canopy of a pickup truck and tries to strike a match.

It smokes and fizzles.

Behind the lean, aging man, a woman shakes her head and smiles.

"Just let the candle go, Bill," Leslie Glassmire says, gesturing to the half-dozen other flames still flickering in the glass jars along the curb.

A car passes. Its high-pitched horn echoes against the great white courthouse that dwarfs the four protesters, their handmade signs and tiny candle lights.

Benton County Courthouse was built in 1889. At 112 years old, it is the oldest courthouse still in use in the state of Oregon — a testament to functionality and effectiveness, some say.

And perhaps for that reason, it seems to stand in such stark contrast to the anti-war protest that has paraded before it every day since Oct. 7 — the day American bombs began falling on Afghanistan.

"We're probably not being really effective," Bill Glassmire says. "Actually, there are probably more effective ways to get a message across. Most of the people who drive pass us drive past every night."

Another horn wails out in support of a sign that asks commuters to "Honk for Peace."

Chances are, the woman in the car — a white 1980s-era Honda Civic with an empty baby seat in the back — passes every night. Honks every night.

As bombs fall in Afghanistan and rain falls on Corvallis.

Leslie Glassmire thinks popular opinion is starting to move away from the United States' "War on Terror." She's reading more letters to the editor that suggest that some people are getting fed up.

Fellow protester Chris Foulke thinks so too.

But their protest? Everyday from 5 to 6 p.m. — rain, shine or snow.

Is it turning popular opinion of the Fourth Street commute?

"I don't know," Bill Glassmire says.

The group of Corvallis-area anti-war activists that has staged this protest — and ones like it during every military conflict since the Gulf War — has spoken about ending the street-front protest.

"It comes up at our Sunday meetings," Bill Glassmire says. "We keep on evaluating whether or not we want to keep on coming out here."

He says he'd like to see tables set up for people to come and talk about the war -- like Charles Schultz's Lucy in her famous doctor's booth.

"We wouldn't charge five cents, though," he says.

And they wouldn't interrupt — just listen to what people have to say about the military response to the events of Sept. 11.

A silver Toyota halts behind a few other cars at the Monroe Avenue stop light. A woman wipes the foggy glass of her passenger-side window, taps her driver and the shoulder and points.

The couple shares a laugh. The light turns green. The silver car guns its engine and disappears past the Benton Center tower.

The protesters remain.

It doesn't take people laughing — or flipping the bird, or getting mooned, as has happened a few times — to make Leslie Glassmire understand that people are angry.

"Sometimes they yell at us — they're obviously very angry about something," she says.

But the idea on this cold dark stretch of sidewalk isn't to make friends.

"I don't think we're making friends in the world by waging war," she says.

Even if the war itself isn't getting less popular — its play in the media is. By most accounts, the number of stories dealing with Sept. 11, its ramifications and the military action that followed in Afghanistan is getting less news play by the day.

Chances are, the people driving down Fourth Street past the Benton County Courthouse from 5 to 6 p.m. are back to listening to top-40 country or jazz — not picking up the latest developments on the war in Afghanistan.

"If that account is correct, the need for us to be here is greater and greater," says Mike Creighton.

Lest the commuters forget that the nation they commute in is at war, Creighton said.

The protest will continue.

Or it won't.

The commuters will honk.

Or they won't.

The rain and sleet and snow will stop.

Or it won't.

But until the bombing stops — and regardless of whether people support it or not — it shouldn't be something people can put out of their minds, Creighton said.

Above the protesters and against the streets and buildings of downtown Corvallis, the courthouse chimes announce the six o'clock hour.

Bill Glassmire bends to pick up the candles.

A few still flicker, defying the rain.

We were on the corner of Second and Main. He was at the stoplight, revving the engine in a gigantic black beast.

The light blinked green. He pulled through the crosswalk. Our thumbs went up. His face swelled with pride.

"They love my Hummer, I am soooooooo cool," he thought.

He took his hands off the steering wheel to return a double thumbs up. And we responded by turning ours over.

No words, just four pudgy digits pointed at the ground.

It was a wonderful feeling. A wonderful feeling indeed. Right there, in the middle of downtown, we started a revolution.

A revolution of shame.

The middle finger's lost a lot of its flare, but it still has a righteous F-you connotation that could provoke Thich Nhat Hahn to violence.

We revolutionaries are not about that. We want to make people mad, but not at us. We want to make people mad at themselves.

Shame is an amazing motivator. If conspicuous monster-SUV-driving consumers are ever to get the point, we need to touch their souls.

With our thumbs.

And thus, I hereby call upon you to join the revolution. Give Hummers the 'thumbs down' whenever you see them coming up the road.

One thumb or a pair, whatever you like, however you feel. Get your friends involved: Several sets of thumbs work nicely, too.

No words. No anger. No emotion. Just a chubby digit pointed at the ground.

They'll get the point. And if they see enough — and others do as well — the revolution will take shape. The shame will set in.

The thumb will conquer all.

It first struck me as Big Tobacco was eating its own ash in courtrooms across the nation: Those irresponsible enough to infest their bodies with smoke, tar and 4,000 other toxic substances were taking their stupidity to the bank.

Not that I mourn Biggy T's woes. Call me heartless, but it's difficult for me to feel sorry for those who profit on addiction.

But I did grieve for personal responsibility. And I saw the writing on the wall.

Today cigarettes. Tomorrow McDonalds.

Then, perhaps, Oreos?

Few lawmakers would suggest banning smoking outright — and far fewer would proffer the legal elimination of junk food. But it doesn't really matter. Litigation is common man's legislation. And now, those who have profited from humanity's free will to poison itself are under siege.

Forget the homophobic attempts to stop gays from marrying and wayward endeavors to get prayer in public schools, when it comes to forcing a religious agenda upon the American people, it's the anti-junk-in-the-body lobby that's been most successful.

Granted, most of those who ride this bandwagon probably don't realize they're fighting a Holy War, but that makes them no less in the Almighty's eyes, I'm sure.

After all, it's right there in the book he reportedly scribed word-for-word: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

And now, yet another battle in the Crusade. The San Mateo (Calif.) County Sheriff's Office is refusing to hire smokers. As the logic goes, cops need to be super healthy so they can chase down fleet-footed bad guys — and the poor folks in San Mateo shouldn't have to pony up for disability payments for police who prefer cancer sticks to night sticks.

Sure. Sure. I can buy that. But I've seen walls in east Harlem with less writing on them than this one, really.

Today cigarettes. Tomorrow donuts?

Where does it end? Will my employer put a camera in the break room to monitor my trips to the candy machine? Will I forfeit my upcoming raise if I choose a Classic Coke over that one-calorie crapola?

Oh sure, God might be laughing, but I'm not.

My body may be his temple, but my soul belongs to Butterfinger.

With four months passed since John Kerry accumulated enough pledged delegates to win the Democratic nomination and four months to go until he faces George W. Bush for the presidency, there's still a few things the Massachusetts senator needs to let the American public know about himself.

Like, just for starters, that he's a senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Not only do most Americans not know Kerry serves in the senate, most couldn't pick out the Old Bay State on a map of the Old Bay State.

And that's just for starters. Americans don't know his politics. They don't know his record. They don't know his likes, his dislikes, his talents, his family or even the sound of his voice.

In short, Americans don't know Jack.

Kerry has failed to define himself to the voting public to such a degree that he continues to be, midway through his tenure as the Democrats' chosen son, "Someone Else," as in "Someone Else for President, 2004."

What's most disturbing is that John "Someone Else" Kerry is now polling, with a statistically significant margin of error, ahead of the most recognizable man on the planet. And while that certainly says something for the discontent Americans feel for their current lot in life (unjust war and two-buck gas will do that to a nation, after all) it says little for the man the Democrats have drudged up to face the most well-funded president of all time.

An entire battalion of queer eyes couldn't make over this straight guy in time for November. And while the addition of John Edwards may indeed infuse a little charisma, charm and energy to the ticket, Kerry would do well to remember what draws folks to the box office.

Given the choice, America always chooses a comic leading man over a straight supporting actor.

When Americans hit the ballots in November, they will not be choosing between Bush and Edwards.

And as things are going, it looks like they won't even be choosing between Bush and Kerry.

No, they will be choosing between Bush and Someone Else.

And if it really must be, a little suggestion for Kerry: Embrace your Someone Elseness. Love it. Caress it. Stick your tounge down its throat.

With four months to go and facing a president whose handlers can remake their man in a moment's notice, you have no other choice. It's time to make love to your Someone Elseness.

It's not hard. And though The Right may say otherwise, it's not really "going negative" either.

Call it, "going honest."

It's simple, really. Take all the commercials you've made thus far — the one's that attempt to make you seem a tad more human — and trash them. Substitute a few choice video clips of our president acting his most presidential.

Docu-commentarian Michael Moore will be happy to provide you with two of the very best. The clip of Bush talking trash to the terrorists while on a golf course is grand. The one where the President stumbles over an extremely well known proverb is another keeper.

Package them up in tight-little 15-second spots just like this:

Announcer: And now a word from George W. Bush, president of the United States of America.

Bush: "And so, in my State of the — my State of the Union — or state — my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation — I asked Americans to give 4,000 years — 4,000 hours over the next — the rest of your life — of service to America."

Kerry: "I'm John Kerry, I'm Someone Else running for president. And I approved this message."

Here's another neat spot:

Announcer: And now a word from George W. Bush, president of the United States of America.

Bush: "Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off."

Kerry: "I'm John Kerry, I'm Someone Else running for president. And I approved this message."

Just for fun, Kerry could put together a few print ads carrying the immortal words of Vice President Dick Cheney, who as you may remember, recently told Sen. Pat Leahy "Go fuck yourself" as the two men stood on the senate floor awaiting a photograph. Cheney later told the press: "It needed to be said." This from the team that promised to bring honor and decency back to the Whitehouse.

Someone Else For President indeed. Embrace it Jack. It's your only hope.

"I acted because I was not about to leave the security of the American people in the hands of a madman. I was not about to stand by and wait and trust in the sanity and restraint of Saddam Hussein."
— George W. Bush.

How do we gauge what makes a "madman?" Is the killing of innocent civilians a good measure? I think it is.

Let's tally up Saddam's civilian victims.

The dictator killed 22 comrades who opposed his ascent to power after the 1979 coup.

Then there were the 300,000 killed during the Iraq-Iran war, at least some of those must have been civilians. Oh heck, let's just count all of them as civilians. And though both sides fought with vigor (and with U.S.-built weapons) we'll blame all the deaths on Saddam, because he's bad. That's 300,022 dead civilians.

Then there were those pesky Kurds. Anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 of them. Let's go with 100,000, OK? Now we're up to 400,022.

And who can forget the 1,000 Kuwaitis killed in the first Gulf War? That makes 401,022.

Then there's all those other Iraqis, dissidents and the like. There were probably about 50,000 of them killed, but a New York Times columnist once said said it may have been as many as 200,000, (and we all know that New York Times columnists always try to play down the threat Saddam posed, so that’s probably a very conservative number anyway.) That brings us to 601,022.

And let's not forget that murderous "prison clearing" fiasco of 1999: Human rights groups say hundreds of prisoners were killed, but who can trust them to accurately assess prison abuse? Conservative columnists say as many as 1000 died, so just for fun (because talking about thousands of dead people as if we were counting jellybeans is quite fun, don't you think?) let's say it was 1,000 prisoners. That's 602,022

And we will never forget the 2,792 people who died on Sept. 11. George W. Bush said Saddam had ties to the terrorist who attacked us on that day, so let's blame those deaths on him.

Saddam’s total: 604,814.

Now then, Saddam was in power for 24 years. That's 288 months. 604,814 divided by 288 is…

More than 2,100 civilians killed per month.

Sounds pretty damn mad to me, but to be sure we should compare with other world leaders. Responsible leaders. Leaders with honor, integrity and humanity.

Mr. Bush, for instance.

The United States military has reported as many as 13,000 civilian causalities in Iraq since the inception of Bush's war there. Some leftist wackos place the number closer to 55,000, but we can all trust the United States on this one, right? Let's use Uncle Sam's numbers.

For the time being, let's completely forget about the civilian costs of our "terror fighting" actions in Afghanistan. Sure, many thousands have died there, but we lost 3,000 people in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington D.C. on Sept. 11, and most of the terrorists were from Saudi Arabia, which is kind of in the same general area of the world as Afghanistan, sort of. And besides, most of us have forgotten all about that war anyway. So we won't add any of those dead civilians.

So that's 13,000 dead civilians in the 16 months since the war began, or a rate of 812 dead civilians per month for Mr. Bush.

The numbers don’t lie. Per month, Saddam killed more than 2.5 times the number of civilians than Bush. That makes Saddam more of a madman, in my book.

Ergo, Bush was right to lead his nation into war under the correct premises that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, maintained close ties with terrorists and was a madman.