a placeless world

With four months passed since John Kerry accumulated enough pledged delegates to win the Democratic nomination and four months to go until he faces George W. Bush for the presidency, there's still a few things the Massachusetts senator needs to let the American public know about himself.

Like, just for starters, that he's a senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Not only do most Americans not know Kerry serves in the senate, most couldn't pick out the Old Bay State on a map of the Old Bay State.

And that's just for starters. Americans don't know his politics. They don't know his record. They don't know his likes, his dislikes, his talents, his family or even the sound of his voice.

In short, Americans don't know Jack.

Kerry has failed to define himself to the voting public to such a degree that he continues to be, midway through his tenure as the Democrats' chosen son, "Someone Else," as in "Someone Else for President, 2004."

What's most disturbing is that John "Someone Else" Kerry is now polling, with a statistically significant margin of error, ahead of the most recognizable man on the planet. And while that certainly says something for the discontent Americans feel for their current lot in life (unjust war and two-buck gas will do that to a nation, after all) it says little for the man the Democrats have drudged up to face the most well-funded president of all time.

An entire battalion of queer eyes couldn't make over this straight guy in time for November. And while the addition of John Edwards may indeed infuse a little charisma, charm and energy to the ticket, Kerry would do well to remember what draws folks to the box office.

Given the choice, America always chooses a comic leading man over a straight supporting actor.

When Americans hit the ballots in November, they will not be choosing between Bush and Edwards.

And as things are going, it looks like they won't even be choosing between Bush and Kerry.

No, they will be choosing between Bush and Someone Else.

And if it really must be, a little suggestion for Kerry: Embrace your Someone Elseness. Love it. Caress it. Stick your tounge down its throat.

With four months to go and facing a president whose handlers can remake their man in a moment's notice, you have no other choice. It's time to make love to your Someone Elseness.

It's not hard. And though The Right may say otherwise, it's not really "going negative" either.

Call it, "going honest."

It's simple, really. Take all the commercials you've made thus far — the one's that attempt to make you seem a tad more human — and trash them. Substitute a few choice video clips of our president acting his most presidential.

Docu-commentarian Michael Moore will be happy to provide you with two of the very best. The clip of Bush talking trash to the terrorists while on a golf course is grand. The one where the President stumbles over an extremely well known proverb is another keeper.

Package them up in tight-little 15-second spots just like this:

Announcer: And now a word from George W. Bush, president of the United States of America.

Bush: "And so, in my State of the — my State of the Union — or state — my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation — I asked Americans to give 4,000 years — 4,000 hours over the next — the rest of your life — of service to America."

Kerry: "I'm John Kerry, I'm Someone Else running for president. And I approved this message."

Here's another neat spot:

Announcer: And now a word from George W. Bush, president of the United States of America.

Bush: "Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off."

Kerry: "I'm John Kerry, I'm Someone Else running for president. And I approved this message."

Just for fun, Kerry could put together a few print ads carrying the immortal words of Vice President Dick Cheney, who as you may remember, recently told Sen. Pat Leahy "Go fuck yourself" as the two men stood on the senate floor awaiting a photograph. Cheney later told the press: "It needed to be said." This from the team that promised to bring honor and decency back to the Whitehouse.

Someone Else For President indeed. Embrace it Jack. It's your only hope.